Frieza and Bulma and Vegeta
by Bernern Gnewell
Summary: As Frieza's defeat is turned into a horribly inaccurate movie, complete with a romantic subplot between Vegeta and Bulma, Yamcha ponders his own love life. But what will he do when he realises that Bulma is falling for Vegeta in real life?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Dragon Ball and Dragon Ball Z were created by Akira Toriyama. The manga originally ran in Shonen Jump and the Anime was produced by Toei Animation. I do not own Dragon Ball.

Story:

My name's Yamcha. I'm writing this to set a few things straight.

If you've been following the papers recently, you've probably heard of me. I'm referring, of course, to the movie _Frieza_, which featured Bulma Briefs—heiress of the Capsule Corporation—in a lead role. Seems word got out that the flick was biographical, particularly when, after the film's release, Bulma actually began dating the male lead, Vegeta.

When I saw the screenplay, I demanded that director Plate take my name out of it. The result was my role being filled by an invisible and nameless ex. Of course, when you're a famous baseball player, and you date a famous heiress, your name is going to find its way into the tabloids and dated Sketch Comedy shows no matter what you do. It wasn't long before people started to wonder: could the abusive, alcoholic, jerk of an ex refer to Yamcha? And is that why he left her so soon after she became pregnant with his son? (Ha!)

Well, I'm going to tell you what really happened.

It's no secret that I loved fighting in the Tenkaichi Budokai. Even when I was a baseball player, the press usually noted that I was happiest during brawls. As such, I spent a lot of time training, and soon became one of the strongest people on Earth—probably the third strongest Human overall, behind only Kuririn and Tenshinhan. This story starts when I was training for the arrival of two killer Androids. My regimen that day consisted of punching and kicking the air and rocks while flying around in the middle of the desert. During a particularly long blink brought on my fatigue, I crashed into something hard. Whatever it was didn't break, and thus couldn't have been a mountain or anything because I am stronger than a mountain, so I figured out immediately that the only thing on the entire planet to stop me (it isn't arrogance if it's true) was my friend, Goku.

Now, when I say 'friend,' I don't mean he visits me at my house or calls me on the phone or even knows my last name. He's more of a very kind acquaintance who would happily risk his life to bring me back from the dead, which is pretty good, but does tend to leave me scared when he actually _does_ come to visit me.

"Goku!" I said. "What's wrong? Did the Androids arrive early? Did another, more-powerful foe arrive?"

"What, you mean Frieza's brother? Yeah, but you don't have to worry—I took care of that. No, this is much more exciting! Someone's planning to make a movie about me!"

"Wait, Frieza has a brother!?"

"Not any more. Now where was I? Oh, yeah! The director's name is Mr. Plate. Apparently, he was planning to make a documentary about notable Tenkaichi Budokai contestants and winners, and he said that I was the most notable!"

"So you'll be in a documentary, getting interviewed or something?"

"Not quite. During the interview, he asked me about what I've been doing since the Budokai, and it turns out that he thought my fight against Frieza was a _lot_ more interesting! He's decided that he's going to make a movie based off _that_ instead, and he wants us to play ourselves!"

"Since when did you care so much about acting?"

"To tell you the truth, I don't know." Goku scratched the back of his head awkwardly. "But he was very persuasive." He shrugged. "And I bet it will be a lot of fun!"

"Goku, can you even act?"

"No, but he said he didn't care."

I agreed to meet with the director, though I couldn't tell you why at the time. Goku promptly grabbed me and "Instant Transmissioned" the both of us to this big board room. Almost everyone that had impacted Goku's life was accounted for. Even Vegeta and Piccolo! I had to take a look around to make sure that Frieza wasn't there, too.

But he was sitting between Vegeta and Piccolo.

"Why would you resurrect _him_?" I asked, blaming holes through Goku with my eyes.

"Simple, my unsophisticated friend," said some prick that I later learned was Mr. Plate himself. "I strive for _realism_ in my films, and for a film to be realistic, I have to cast actors who look as much like their characters as possible. This, of course, means that, when making a film based off a true story, I have to use the people involved in the actual event. I always did that with my documentaries, and I'll continue to do it in my first recreation."

"A movie doesn't have to be _that_ authentic," said Kame-senin.

"Andre Bazin would disagree with you," said Mr. Plate.

I had absolutely no idea who that was, but Mr. Plate simply smiled smugly at my former master, as if he had won the argument simply by throwing out some guy's name. I didn't argue, but that's mostly because I was sure I'd just hear more names flung at me and I'd end up feeling like an idiot.

"And everyone's actually agreed to go along with this?" I said.

"Mr. Plate used the Dragon Balls several years ago," said Piccolo. "He was having trouble finding finances, so he wished that everyone he asked to work on his movies would help for free."

"That explains Goku," said Kuririn. "Wait… are you saying this guy can control us? I didn't think the dragon could do that to anyone stronger than himself."

"He can't," said Piccolo. "That's the part that bugs me."

"It seems pretty simple to me," said Kame-senin. "The Dragon Balls can't _force _someone stronger than the dragonto do anything, but they can affect anyone, regardless of power. Take resurrection. The Dragon Balls could bring Kuririn back to life, even though he's far surpassed the dragon, because he let it. On the other hand, when we told Porungato bring Goku back to Earth, he couldn't, because Goku refused. It seems to me that the Dragon Balls can't _force_ you to help Mr. Plate with this movie, but it can create in you a desire to do so. You could resist that desire, but… well, I, for one, really don't want to."

That sounded logical, if a bit made-up-on-the-spot, and it explained why I actually wanted to work with this guy, so I figured, sure, we'll assume that's what happened.

"Now, Goku," said Mr. Plate, "why don't you tell me a little about yourself? You know, for characterization purposes."

"Well, let's see here. My name is Goku. I was raised in the forest by my Grandma Gohan, but he died after I looked at the moon, then turned into a giant monkey and killed him."

"So you're an antihero!" he said excitedly. "Perfect! This type of thing is very deep, so it'll appeal to audiences on a much deeper level. People will be able to _relate_ to you!"

"Because he killed his grandfather?" said Bulma. "Are you stupid or something?"

"No!" said Mr. Plate. "I'm smart enough to know that dark, depressing stuff is so much more realistic and artistic than anything with a happy ending, and I _strive_ for realism in my work." He then turned back to Goku. "So what happened next?"

"Well, let's see here," said Goku. "I lived in the woods for a while, then Bulma showed up, and we gathered all the Dragon Balls, but they were stolen by Pilaf, who wanted to use them to take over the world. He would have, too, but Oolong got to Shen Long first, and wished for a new pair of underwear. I guess he forgot to pack some when he decided to come with us."

"Well, that sucks," said Mr. Plate. "If I had to make a movie about _that_, I'd have you kill him instead. More mature."

"Who's him?" asked Bulma. "Oolong or Pilaf?"

"Both."

"Then I entered the Tenkaichi Budokai," said Goku.

"Yeah, yeah, I know about that," said Mr. Plate. "Go on."

"But lost to Jackie Chun. After that, I tried to track down my Grandfather's Dragon Ball, but ended up fighting the Red Ribbon army."

"_The_ Red Ribbon Army that disappeared all those years ago?" said Mr. Plate.

"No, that must be a different one," said Goku. "The Red Ribbon Army didn't have time to disappear before I destroyed it."

"Single-handedly?" said Mr. Plate. "Were you horribly injured?"

"Nah," said Goku. "It was easy."

"Oh," responded Mr. Plate dejectedly.

"Then I spent three years training for the 22nd Tenkaichi Budokai. My best friend Kuririn was murdered afterwards…"

"A_ha!_" shouted Mr. Plate. "Real, human tragedy! I love it!"

"Don't get too excited," said Kuririn. "I came back, you know."

"Oh. Right." Then Mr. Plate rested his head glumly in his hands, looking as if his best friend had just recovered from a miraculous injury.

"I went to avenge him, and ended up fighting the Great Demon King Piccolo."

"Who you beat, and everyone lived happily ever after?" said Mr. Plate. He then yawned. "What next?"

"Well, I fought Piccolo again in the 23rd Tenkaichi Budokai, then got married. Let's see here… well, a few years later, my brother showed up…"

"Was he an alcoholic?" said Mr. Plate.

"Not that I'm aware of, no," said Goku. "But he did kill me."

"Well, I guess that's _pretty _realistic. But you came back afterwards?"

"I had to. Vegeta was going to destroy Earth. He killed several of my friends, too. That was why they went to Namek and ran into Frieza."

"And no good guys were permanently hurt or killed during this adventure?"

"Oh, no," said Goku. "We brought everyone back."

"All of _your_ people, maybe," said Vegeta. "The Sayian race is as dead as ever."

"Really?" said Mr. Plate, staring almost romantically into Vegeta's eyes. "Genocide? Wow! And Goku didn't bring them back because of latent racist tendencies? Wow, he _is_ a deep person." He turned back to Goku. "I hated you when I thought you were a Boy Scout, but now, I think I love you more than ever!"

"Gee, thanks," said Goku, "but Chi-Chi says I'm not supposed to love anyone but her."

Mr. Plate banged his head against the table. "That's not what I meant."

"Besides, I _can__'__t_ bring the Sayians back," said Goku. "Living under Frieza has made them all evil. If they were alive today, they'd kill millions of people."

Mr. Plate turned to stare at Vegeta again. As much as I hated that guy, I never dreamt that _he__'__d_ take a liking to Vegeta. I couldn't exactly say I lost respect for the man after that, but I certainly gained a lot of disrespect.

"Tell me," said Mr. Plate, "what was it like living under Frieza?"

"Horrible," said Vegeta. "Whenever we took over a planet, we had to give it to him. All that hard work, and we never got any of the rewards from it."

"That is so sad," said Mr. Plate. "You have such a tragic past. Growing up, you never knew right from wrong. You were forced to kill just to live. And now, you're trying to repent for your crimes."

"I'm not trying to repent for anything," said Vegeta bluntly.

"But you _will_ be in the movie!" announced Mr. Plate. "You'll be the hero that defeats Frieza in this picture. Goku, you're out."

Goku frowned. "Aww, really? Gee, I was kind of looking forward to fighting Frieza again. I wanted to show him how much stronger I'd gotten."

Over in the corner, Frieza whined a little.

"You're making _Vegeta_ into the hero?" said Bulma. "You have _got_ to be kidding me. What ever happened to being true to the original material?"

Then Mr. Plate just kind of rolled his eyes and released a sigh/growl sound, as if whatever excuse he had was common knowledge even before it was pulled from his ass. "Well, if you really _have_ to ask, that is because… well, as Robert J. Flaherty—father of the modern Documentary—once said, 'One often has to distort a thing to catch its true spirit.'"

"I'd like to have seen the look on Bazin's face when he heard about that," Kuririn whispered to Gohan.

Mr. Plate scowled at Kuririn, who scowled back.

"I wouldn't expect you to understand," said Mr. Plate. Then he began talking to his new star again. "Vegeta, your life experiences are more real than Goku's. Audiences will associate with you more closely than with the Boy Scout over here."

"You'd really prefer me to Kakarot?" said Vegeta. Then Vegeta grinned and stared at Frieza. "And I'd get to beat up Frieza?"

"Why?" taunted Frieza. "Are you a Super Sayian, too?"

And Vegeta, who was _not_, in fact, a Super Sayian, began to scream and charge up his Ki, knocking over his chair and taking a chunk out of his table. He charged Frieza, and tried to punch him, but only got a fist to his stomach. Suddenly, Goku exploded in an aura of gold—even his hair changed color—and he rammed Frieza into the ground.

"Now, Frieza," said Goku, "we agreed that you had to help Mr. Plate make his film _without_ killing anyone. If you can't agree to that, I'll have to send you back."

Frieza got back to his feet and rubbed his stomach. "Fine," he mumbled. "At least I know that _this_ weakling can't hurt me."

Vegeta growled.

"This is infuriating!" said Bulma. "Vegeta isn't a hero! You can't tell people that _he_ killed Frieza! And how's that truer to the spirit of the history? Goku won by abandoning his evil heritage, not by embracing it."

Then Mr. Plate stared at Bulma the same way he stared at Vegeta and, I've got to admit, it made me jealous. He then held out his hands, thumbs extended, as if trying to see what Bulma would look like framed in a camera. "You're perfect!" he said.

"I am?" said Bulma, blushing. "You're pretty cute, yourself." Note that, at this point, we were still supposed to be an item.

"Perfect to star in this movie!" said Mr. Plate.

"You mean this woman is going to kill Frieza?" said Vegeta angrily.

"I wouldn't put it past him," said Kuririn.

"No!" said the director. "I want her to star opposite Vegeta as his leading lady!"

"Me?" said Bulma, her eyes sparkling. "A… leading lady? Wait a minute," she added angrily. "I don't have to kiss him, do I?" Then she started to blush _again_.

"You might have to do more than that," said Mr. Plate. "After all, independent films aren't subject to censorship!" And he didn't laugh. I think he was serious.

And so did Bulma, who had drawn enough offence from the comment to react with a punch to the jaw that knocked Mr. Plate off his chair.

"Okay, okay," said Mr. Plate. "No sex. But is kissing okay?"

"Sure!" said Bulma, and she blushed again. "I guess that's not _too_ bad."

"Perfect!" said Mr. Plate. "I'll have a script ready before you know it!"

I went home that night thinking more about Mr. Plate than the upcoming Androids. "What's there to worry about?" I said. "I know what being dead is like. It's the movie that might turn out to be Hell."

I don't know how long it usually takes to write a screenplay, but receiving a copy of _Frieza_'s script the following week never gave me any false expectations. I'd be tempted to copy it out right here—and I could, too, since Mr. Plate felt that copyrighting his work was "unartistic and unrealistic," resulting in _Frieza_ entering the Public Domain before it was actually screened—but my publisher told me not to, as they hate stuff in script format, so I'll just give you a brief summary.

The film started with a shot of Vegeta's shuttle falling towards Earth. The opening credits played over these shots for several minutes, and I found myself wondering if any ships in real life would take that long to land. I figured that they could, but Mr. Plate probably shouldn't have put so many shots with 'trees passing between the ship and camera, giving one the impression that this comer will soon be one with nature' (yes, that was actually in the script) when the ship was still supposed to be outside our orbit.

Eventually, we saw Bulma. She was sitting inside her house, talking with her mom.

"I just can't stand Yamcha!" said Bulma 'angrily.' "He's so overprotective, he won't even let me look at another man. Hell, he won't let me look at another _woman_! And I think he might be seeing someone else behind my back."

I almost fell over crying when I saw that. I wonder if Mr. Plate still would have hated me if he were pairing Vegeta with Lunch.

"Now, he's not that bad," said Mrs. Briefs. "And he's pretty cute."

"I look for more than good looks in a boyfriend," said Bulma.

Just then, there was a 'powerfully loud' explosion. Bulma and her mom ran outside to find a space pod 'lying in a big crater in the ground, framed to resemble a grave.' The pod began to open slowly, and Vegeta began to pull himself 'out of his grave, symbolizing the resurrection of the Sayian People's one shot at vengeance.' He was covered in scratches and bruises, but could still walk because, hey, it's not like Frieza would have done anything worse than that to him!

"Are you hurt?" said Bulma, trying to help him out of the pod.

"I'm fine," said Vegeta, pulling his arm out of her grasp. "And I don't need your help."

"You are _not_ fine," said Bulma, "and you are going to let me take you inside and patch you up."

Vegeta was silent for a 'dramatic second,' then he let her take him in. Then the script has some nonsense about framing them through a doorway 'to symbolize them being alone in the world.'

Now, however serious these injuries were, it seems that Bulma's Band-Aids and some rubbing alcohol were all she actually needed to fix Vegeta right up. I guess she was afraid that Vegeta would get something horribly infected. It was during this talk that the 'princely king' began to open up.

"I'm sorry if I seemed snappy," said Vegeta (I would have been willing to _pay_ to hear Vegeta actually say that, but by the time the film was released, the line became something like "You're going to have to put up with my temper, because…) "But I just got through a horrible experience. My whole people was wiped out by a space tyrant named Frieza."

"Oh, that's horrible!" said Bulma. "And to think that my boyfriend complained when he was evicted for not paying rent."

"He sounds like a real loser," said Vegeta.

"I know," said Bulma, then laughed. "He'd probably kill himself if he had to face off against this Frieza guy."

"Well, he'll have a chance to find out soon enough," said Vegeta. "Frieza's coming here."

"He's what?"

Vegeta nodded. "He's wanted to take over this planet and steal its natural resources for decades, but it wasn't until recently that he had the military power to do so."

"Then what are we going to do?" said Bulma.

"I'm going to fight," said Vegeta.

Bulma nodded. "Then I'll help."

"No, you won't," said Vegeta. "It's too dangerous."

"I don't care," said Bulma. "It's my planet he's coming after." Then she smiled seductively. "Besides, you can't be expected to fight this whole thing on your own."

Now, I'll admit that I've never been a big reader, but putting something down after one minute is a new record. I knew then that I'd have to have a serious talk with Mr. Plate if he expected me to so much as _touch_ his script again.


	2. Chapter 2

"That is the most _horrible_ idea I've ever heard!" boomed Frieza's voice from Mr. Plate's office. "You're lucky that monkey has promised to keep an eye on you. But be warned; the second there is anything to stop me from vaporizing you, you're vapor. Got it?"

"You really should stop being so short with your superior," said Mr. Plate. "Now, if we were on an intergalactic slave trade vessel or whatever the hell you do, I'd be inclined to take _your_ advice. But we are dealing with a film and, as you've probably never even seen a movie that wasn't made in Hollywood, I am clearly the expert here. However, if you would rather your homosexuality be portrayed as implicit rather than explicit, we can find a way to work around that."

Frieza screamed again, and the door exploded off the hinges.

"I really hate that Monkey," he mumbled under his breath as he floated out. I tried not to make eye contact as I walked past.

"What does Frieza's sexuality have to do with anything?" I asked.

"If Frieza's gay, then people will know why he's evil!" said Mr. Plate.

"Oh my God!"

"That's _not_ what I meant," he practically shouted. "But the smarter members of the audience will realize that he was driven to evil by his society's intolerance towards homosexuality. That way, he'll be a more three-dimensional villain."

I knew that he could probably name about thirty films that he'd claim argued that, but I wasn't in the mood to discuss it. "What have you done to my character?" I said. "I'm such a monster!"

"We need to make Vegeta look better," said Mr. Plate. "And you worse."

"Why?" I said. "Is everything being two-dimensional really that much more realistic? Isn't that why you kicked Goku out of the film?"

Mr. Plate scratched his chin. "How do you feel about rape?"

"No."

"Come on! You don't have to have _real_ sex, if that's what's bothering you. We could just film you grabbing Bulma, then send in a stunt p—"

"You are not portraying me as a rapist in this film."

"Well, okay," said Mr. Plate through a thick layer of disappointment. "What about an attempted…"

"Absolutely not," I repeated.

"Well, could you at least slap…"

"Hell no," I said. "I am not going to act like Frieza in this movie."

"Well, you're sure not going to act like some saint," said Mr. Plate, then he just stared at me. You ever see that video of Chaotzu at the 22nd Tenkaichi Budokai? Where he just stares at Kuririn, and the latter couldn't move or hit his opponent until distracting him with a math question? Well, I'll give you a hint at what happened here: Mr. Plate was not Chaotzu, and there was no math involved.

Mr. Plate landed in the waiting room. A surprised-looking Goku helped the director to his feet.

"But you _have_ to do as I say!" he shouted. "I told the dragon to make you help!"

"I'm too strong for Shen Long to make me do anything," I responded. The truth is that I still wanted to help, but I had a much stronger desire to not look like a piece of scum on film.

"But you have to!" said Mr. Plate. "If you don't rape Bulma in this movie, then some sickos are going to feel sorry for you!"

"I don't know what this 'rape' thing is," said Goku, "but it sounds pretty bad, and Yamcha is _not_ a bad person."

"You monkeys aren't listening to me," said the Director. "This film will be _mature_ and _deep_."

And Goku looked mad. Now, Goku's usually a pretty laid back guy. He doesn't get mad when fighting, or when getting beaten up, or… well, anything that makes most of us mad. When he _does_ get angry, though, everyone takes notice. It's not that he's a mean mad, mind you, but his anger is so rare that, when it appears, you feel like you've just seen the Loch Ness Monster eat Bigfoot. It's that unsettling.

Now, the last time Goku got angry over me was when Tenshinhan broke my leg and, as memory serves me, Goku got over that pretty quickly. This time, however, Goku turned into a Super Saiyan and teleported away. I glanced at Mr. Plate, half looking forward to whatever was about to happen. At the moment, the director seemed completely disinterested in what had happened. He was probably just happy that one of his meetings had been cancelled and that he could get more "work" done.

Then all my dreams came true when Goku reappeared, holding Frieza.

Mr. Plate swore extremely loudly and dove behind an upturned table. Of course, I knew that Goku wasn't going to let Frieza do anything, but it was fun to watch Mr. Plate squirm.

"We seem to be having a disagreement over the script's portrayal of Yamcha," Goku told Frieza. "I might have to leave the project in protest and, if that happens, you'll have to go back to Hell."

"What?" said Frieza, his ki flaring. "That's not fair!"

"I know," said Goku, "but you haven't had time to reform yet, and I can't leave you running around."

Frieza turned to glare at Mr. Plate. "Well, if I'll be dying, anyway, I won't have any reason to keep this worm alive, will I?"

"Gee, that's a problem," said Goku. "I could stop you pretty quickly, but not _that_ quickly."

Goku could have found a way to save Mr. Plate if he needed to, and anyone with half a brain that had known Goku for more than five minutes could have seen that this was an empty threat.

"No! Don't quit!" cried Mr. Plate. "I won't make Yamcha into a rapist or anything! In fact, I'll remove him from the movie! I'll give Bulma an unseen, anonymous boyfriend instead! Is that okay?"

"Sure," I said stupidly.

The bad news is that I was still dating Bulma, so I had to attend her shoots. The first scene I went to was at the Briefs' residence. Vegeta was inside the Gravity Chamber, training his tail off. The camera crew was recording him from outside.

Then Bulma showed up, carrying a tray of lemonade, and knocked on the door of the chamber.

"Not until you've had something to drink!" she said. I suppose the Gravity Chamber would destroy any microphones that were put inside, so Vegeta's dialogue was recorded separately.

"But if you don't, you'll die!" she said.

Then Vegeta stepped out to have a drink of lemonade.

"Isn't that better?" said Bulma.

"No," said Vegeta. "I hate having to stop. If I don't keep training, then I won't be able to achieve Super Sayian, and then… then Frieza might hurt you."

"You're doing this for me?" said Bulma, wiping away the drops of water that a grip had dripped under her eyes while the camera wasn't looking.

"Well, I'm certainly not doing this for myself," responded Vegeta.

He then went back into the Gravity Room to train.

Then the scene changed. Vegeta the Actor refused to leave his high-density chamber, so the crew had to move out into the desert and film their next scene while they waited for him to finish training. By the time I arrived, Mr. Plate was in a screaming match with Piccolo.

"Absolutely not," said Piccolo. "Not after what he did to Namek."

"But if the Demon King works _for_ Frieza, think of how much scarier Frieza himself will be!"

"And how is _that_ more accurate?"

"The Demon King will be a metaphor for that Radditz character. We need the audience to feel the same fear you felt when _you_ saw Frieza, and knew how strong he was. If you play the henchman, the audience will feel what you felt."

"If you really want to believe that those are your motivations, fine," said Piccolo. "But I'm off the project."

Mr. Plate grabbed and tugged on Piccolo's cape. "But you can't leave! Who will play Frieza's henchman?"

"If you're so desperate for a henchman, why don't you just resurrect Ginyu?" said Piccolo before yanking his cape out of the director's hand and flying away.

Fortunately, Mr. Plate's key grip had used the Dragon Balls to learn how to talk to frogs, so it wasn't long before we tracked down Ginyu himself and put him back in his old body.

"I have two demands," said Ginyu, "The first is that I get to do poses, and the second is that you'll find me back-up posers."

"I like the way you think!" said Mr. Plate. I think he was just happy to find something incredibly stupid that was real enough to let him make some claim of historical truth.

Shooting resumed the next day, when Ginyu was joined by an elite troop of handsome young dancers. Ginyu had taken his time to teach each one the proper pose, based off their height and physical build. A bit of makeup was applied, and Ginyu had his Force.

And _Frieza_ continued filming.

The next shot was of five space pods landing. Frieza didn't have one, having apparently flown himself.

Then Goku flew down to meet them.

"Get off my planet," said Goku.

"Well, well," said Frieza. "The boy doesn't want to share his toy. Ginyu, could you take care of him?"

"No problem!" trumpeted Ginyu, who slipped immediately into his famous pose with the help of his synchronized backup. "Prepare for the power of the Ginyu Force!"

So Goku began to stretch his muscles. "It's been a while since I've fought, but I think I can win this." He sounded really cocky when he said it, too. It took 27 takes and an offer of food before he didn't just sound like Goku.

"Don't get too cocky," said Ginyu. "I'm one of the strongest fighters in the uni—" But he was cut off when he tripped and fell.

"Only one of?" said Goku, smirking and charging his ki.

Then Goku and Ginyu fought. Of course, Goku was about ten times stronger than Ginyu at that point, so he had to hold back most of his power. The resulting fight came across as incredibly half-assed. Ginyu was fighting his hardest and clearing tiring himself out while repeatedly punching Goku in all punchable body parts. Goku, meanwhile, was rolling with Ginyu's punches. His own were held just a little too long before they were thrown, considering he was a professional martial artist, and, ultimately, anyone that knew how to fight could see that Goku was trying his hardest to miss. Ginyu dodged each of Goku's punches, but he seemed to hurt himself more just by hitting him. When the fight was over, Ginyu looked more exhausted than the "corpse" before him. This is only visible in one shot, though; when the camera was back on Ginyu later, he looked to be back in perfect health, and his knuckles were no longer bleeding. For once, I wished there were no such thing as Senzu beans.

"That's what you get when you go up against Frieza!" And Captain Ginyu posed again, his cheerleaders posing behind him. The camera paned back and 'ominous music' played as Goku's beaten body moved into view, now sharing the frame with Ginyu and that ridiculous pose.

Cut to the Briefs' house. Kuririn descends from the sky, tears pouring down his face and off his plastic nose.

"Goku's dead," he said, after several shots of scared faces.

"Noooooo!" shouted Bulma. "Not Goku."

"This Goku… was he a very close friend?" asked Vegeta.

"He was my best friend," said Bulma. "He had been since we were kids. Whenever I got into a fight with my boyfriend, Goku was there to comfort me. I've always felt that he was the reason my boyfriend never really hurt me. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do without him."

Then Vegeta reached over to hold Bulma in his arms. She reached over and began to hug him back. From my position, I thought I saw her blush again, but then I realized that all this Bulma blushing on Vegeta stuff had to be my imagination. Not even Bulma would lust after someone that had killed her boyfriend just two years ago.

"I don't want to lose you, too," she said, as if losing her best friend was just a preamble to losing this rugged, handsome stranger.

"I don't want to lose you, either," said Vegeta. "That's why I'll make certain you're perfectly safe."

Then we're treated to an aerial shot, followed by a montage of Vegeta training. Throughout this, we keep getting close-ups of his hair sparkling, clearly intended to indicate that he's close to going Super Saiyan, but hasn't reached it yet.

Unfortunately, the 99 of the audience that didn't even know what a Super Saiyan was before stepping into the theater will have no idea what that hair thing signifies.

Once the montage is done, we see Ginyu land outside the gravity chamber.

"Oh Veggie! Come out come out wherever you are!"

So, slowly, the chamber door opens. And, slowly, Vegeta walks out. The two of them just stand there, staring at each other for, like, five minutes as the plot progresses slowly… I mean, sure, this is how people fight in real life, but I sure the hell wouldn't want to _watch_ people doing it for entertainment!

"I seem to recall almost killing you last time," said Ginyu. "What makes you think you'll win now?"

"I don't _think_," said Vegeta.

Then another fight broke out. This one was much better than the first, insofar as the guy that got tired and started bleeding was actually the guy that ended up losing the fight. It was 'pretty close,' and both sides landed their share of hits. Vegeta usually reeled after getting punched, which would make it look like he felt the blows, but there's something about Ginyu himself flying about a quarter-mile every time he got punched that made the whole thing seem sorta one-sided.

Ultimately, Vegeta triumphed, and ended the fight by ramming his arm up to his elbow through Ginyu's chest. He improvised that on the spot, and it delighted Mr. Plate, who felt that scene alone could sell the movie. "And most people would assume we just used really good special effects, too!" he shouted.

Once Ginyu's body was buried and filming continued, we heard Bulma scream. Vegeta arrived back at the Breifs' house (!?) just in time to see her being taken away by Frieza.

"If you want to see her again, you'll have to meet me outside the library!" shouted Frieza. "If you don't show up, the girl dies."

"Friezaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" shouted Vegeta.

That's when we began to wrap up filming for the day. Bulma immediately approached Vegeta to 'compliment' him on his 'work.'

"You know, you're a pretty good actor."

Vegeta just snorted. "Don't insult me with your fake complements."

"It's _not_ a fake complement," said Bulma. "I really thought you were a good actor!"

Vegeta just laughed. "Well, don't think this is the start of a career. I'm only doing this because it will give me a chance to fight Frieza."

"Well, fine!" shouted Bulma. "If you want me to say you're a crappy actor, I'll say it. You _stink._"

And, as Vegeta flew off, I was hit with the most insulting realization of my life: Bulma loved Vegeta.

Okay, I'll be the first to admit that my relationship with Bulma never really went anywhere. I probably should have broken up with her when I was still in my teens; hanging on to her until now was stupid. Nevertheless, I'd tried to be a good boyfriend during those years, and realizing that I had been usurped by someone that had actually _killed_ me only a few years ago was infuriating.

He _murdered_ me, for Kami's sake! How repulsive must _I_ have been to attract less affection than a _murderer_?

"You're not that bad, Yamcha," Puar said consolingly. "Bulma's always gone after every good-looking guy she could, even when you first started dating."

"I know that," I said. "But it still hurts. And I feel like I wasted my life with her."

"Well, did you enjoy the time you spent with her?"

I thought about it. "No."

"Oh. Well, maybe you did waste your life."

This was not encouraging, so I decided to seek help from my friends.

Then I realized that none of my friends' massive strengths lied in their social skills. Who could help me on this? Tenshinhan? No, he was kinda a loner, so he probably couldn't give any insight on relationships. Chaozu? Well, Tenshinhan is the closest he's ever had to a romantic relationship, and… yeah, I don't want to think about that. I tried talking to Goku—Goku's married, isn't he?—but he just told me that if I promised to spend the rest of my life with her, I'd have to, and when I said that I had made no such promise, he asked what the problem was. What about Kami? Ha! What a stupid thing to bother a God with. Then I thought about asking Kuririn, who was the most normal of my friends.

"Kuririn," I said, "I'm beginning to think that I should leave Bulma."

I didn't love Bulma. I thought I did, but I didn't. Perhaps I only stayed with her as long as I did because, until I met her, I could never so much as look at a girl and, on some deep, psychological level, I worried that it would take me another 16 years to find anyone else. Perhaps I had even convinced myself that Bulma was the only one who would have me.

That's what Mr. Popo suggested, at least.

"Really?" said Kuririn. "Just now, huh? Funny—she's threatened to leave you often enough."

"And she's at it again," I said.

"No kidding. Who is it this time? Vegeta?" And he laughed at his own unintentionally ironic wit, but something about my face made him stop. "Wow! Vegeta? Really? Geez. This is nuts. I mean… it would be like me falling in love with one of the androids." Okay, he didn't really say that. But it would be funny if he did. (Sorry, inside joke.)

"What should I do?" I asked.

"Well, I'd say you should leave her," said Kuririn. "You shouldn't worry about hurting her feelings. At this point, I honestly think she'd just be mad that she couldn't dump you first."

"I would," I said, "but what about Vegeta?"

Kuririn's face made him look like he had just caught his toe in a bear trap. "Jeez, you're right. If she loses you, she might run off into Vegeta's arms!"

"She'd probably even feel like I was the bad guy, and Vegeta some kind of white knight. And what would Vegeta do to her?" I don't love Bulma, but I don't want her to die. Despite what Mr. Plate wants you to believe, I'm not a monster.

"Well, I don't know what to do," said Kuririn. "I mean, you could try talking to her, but what are the chances that would work? Bulma tends to get clouds in the brain when cute boys are involved. She's like Goku when he's with strong opponents."

"You don't think Vegeta would hurt her, do you?"

"If she annoys him enough, sure."

"Oh God, she's dead."

"Did you try asking Kamesenin for advice?"

I wasn't sure Kamesenin would be the right person to ask about the more emotional aspects of love. After all, this is a man who assumed that _Sleepless in Seattle_ was a porno because, "Well, why else wouldn't he get any sleep that night?" Even so, he was a smart man, so I figured it was worth a try.

"Well, that is a pickle," he said, after hearing my story. "But let me ask you this much: do you think that Bulma is going to stay away from Vegeta if you don't break up with her?"

"Well… maybe if I tried harder to…"

Kamesenin raised his eyebrows. "I don't think a relationship is that easy to fake. If you try too hard, you're going to seem needy and drive Bulma towards Vegeta anyway. I'd suggest you just try talking to her."

"She won't listen."

"Probably not, no. But it's not like there's anything else you can do. Besides, I don't think you're as worried about Bulma as you claim."

"What are you talking about? Of course I don't want her to get killed!"

"Vegeta's been on Earth for a year, and he hasn't hurt anyone yet."

"But he _killed me_!"

"But not recently. Like Piccolo, or Tenshinhan, or Gyumao, or even you, Vegeta has seen the error of his ways. He's not a bad man anymore. Apathetic, perhaps, but he doesn't kill people, at least not without a lot more motivation than Bulma is going to offer. I can assure you that, if Vegeta were going to kill her, he'd have done so by now.

"I don't think Vegeta's sorry for anything he did, though. I regret all the people I hurt when I was a bandit."

"Ah. Just as I thought."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I said you weren't concerned about Bulma, and I was right. You know she's not in any danger, but you're offended that she'd choose someone as horrible as Vegeta over you. You're upset about her morality, not her mortality. Hey! That was pretty clever."

Wow. I think he was actually right on that. "So you're saying I'm wrong?"

"Of course not. What Bulma's doing is disgusting, and it proves beyond all doubt that she has horrible taste in men. It's just not dangerous, is all."

I nodded, yet as I walked out of the Kame House, I somehow felt even worse than before. And to think that Bulma used to act like _I _was the unfaithful one in this relationship! How dare she act like I'm the bad guy? Hell, I'm surprised she hasn't slept with Frieza yet.

And that's assuming she hasn't.

What was it that I had seen in her anyway? Her looks. Yes, she is a brilliant scientist, but it's not like I've ever gotten an interesting conversation out of her, unless you think my countless flaws make for a stimulating topic. And her personality? Again, I rarely get to see anything but the worst from her. All things considered, I could have probably dated a dummy with her face and got the same benefit.

On my way out of the Kame House, I accidentally bumped into Maron, Kuririn's ex-girlfriend.

"Oh, I'm sorry," she said. "I was looking for Kuririn. Is he here?"

"Sorry," I said.

"Oh, that's too bad," she said. "Say… you must be Yamcha. Kuririn told me you're almost as strong as him. Is that true?" Then she winked at me.

Please don't hate me for what I did that night.


	3. Chapter 3

The next part of my story begins during the filming of _Frieza__'__s_ final scene. The tyrant stood outside the library, at the top of a giant set of stairs. There was a baby carriage next to him, and he kicked it down the stairs, thereby giving Vegeta a chance to save an innocent and look like a bigger hero.

(Fun Fact: to increase tension during filming, Mr. Plate put an actual baby in the carriage.)

"Really, Frieza," said Vegeta. "Can't you pick on someone your own size?"

Then Frieza began to walk down the stairs, staring at Vegeta the whole time. Vegeta smiled and began to walk up to meet his foe. Once they reached the middle, the two of them began to beat on each other. Again, I'm not going to go into too much detail, as this fight differs from the previous one only insofar as it is Vegeta who lost this time. In fact, I think Mr. Plate may have actually re-used the choreography for both fights.

After a while, Frieza kicked Vegeta up the steps (apparently they got turned around somewhere), then blows up the library. Vegeta flies across the sky, then lands face-first on the pavement.

We are now treated to a close-up of a single copy of _To Kill a Mocking Bird_, which was slowly burning up.

Cut back to Vegeta, looking off-screen towards what I can only assume is the book, while the special effects crew turn his face red and add CGI spouts of steam to his ears.

"As if it isn't bad enough that you destroy life," said Vegeta, "must you destroy that which makes life worth living, too?"

Then Vegeta began to scream. The standard 'powering up' fair began to happen—lightning, upturned stone, visible ki aura, ect. Nothing we haven't all seen before... at least until Vegeta went Super Saiyan! When the hell did he learn to do that? During training? Did Mr. Plate's wish actually give Vegeta the motivation to activate this power during the shoot?

Who the hell knows? But Vegeta went Super Saiyan, then began to brutalize Frieza, so we were back to the one-sided beatdown thing now.

Vegeta punched Frieza around, shot ki at him and so on and so forth, but never killed him.

Soon, we see a shot of the tires of a red van pulling up, and Bulma climbing out of a now blue van.

"Vegeta!" she shouted.

"Bulma! No!" responded Vegeta. "Why aren't you safe at home?" Why? Does Frieza usually hide his _prisoners _in the Briefs' house? Oi!

"What's this?" said Frieza. "You seem to be fond of the little girl. Well, then, surely you'll let me introduce myself."

Then Frieza raised his finger and formed a glowing orange sphere, which grew until it was the size of the library.

"No!" said Vegeta. "Not even you could be so evil!"

"No, of course not," said Frieza. "Because you won't make me. Give up your Super Saiyan powers, and I'll let her go. Isn't that nice of me?"

Vegeta growled, then lowered his head. "I agree."

Then Vegeta dropped out of Super Saiyan. Frieza began to laugh maniacally as his muscles swelled up like balloons. Apparently, we're to believe he absorbed Vegeta's power.

"The… power!" said Frieza. "It's unbelievable!"

Vegeta turned to run, but Frieza quickly grabbed him by the throat and slammed him into a wall.

"Where are you going, little monkey? Trying to find a banana?" Frieza then tightened his grip. "Well, would you settle for a split?"

Frieza thrusted his hand back and glared, but then his eyes were suddenly filled with pain and shock. Cut to behind him, where a dagger was being twisted into his back. Cut again, and we saw Bulma holding the dagger.

"This is my planet," said Bulma. "Get off it."

She stepped back, and Frieza's corpse fell backwards to the floor.

Vegeta then exploded back into Super Sayian and grabbed Frieza's body. The alien quickly awoke in a panic, but before he could react, Vegeta placed his hand on Frieza's face and fired a massive ki blast. Frieza's headless body fell to the floor.

"What are you doing!" shouted Mr. Plate, running onto the set. "His character was already dead! You didn't have to re-kill him!"

Bulma walked towards the bathroom, passing me coldly on the way.

"Well, look who it is. Managed to pull yourself away from Maron, did you?"

"I… don't know what you're talking about, Bulma," I said, laughing.

"Oh really?" said Bulma. "So you didn't sleep with that bimbo last night?"

"You… knew about that?"

"Sure," she responded. "Maron told me. And you know what else? I am sick of your libido getting in the way of our relationship. We're through!"

"Now hold on! _My_ libido? Would you stop trying to make me seem like some kind of a man slut? This Slut Yamcha you keep comparing me to doesn't exist. This was the _first_ time I slept with another woman. You've _tried_ to sleep with Kami knows how many people; I just succeeded first. Hell, I don't even know that you _didn__'__t_ succeed. For all I know, you slept with Maron before I did!"

"Oh, is that so? Well, stop trying to change the subject! You cheated on me, and I'm breaking up with you. If you were too clingy to leave _me_, that's your business."

"How do _I_ come across as the bad guy here?" I shouted. "I mean, look at _you_! You're lusting after someone that tried to kill _everyone_ on the planet! Even you!"

"You tried to rob Goku the first time you met him," said Bulma.

"But I didn't try to _kill_ him," I responded. "And… wait a minute, now _you__'__re_ changing the subject! The fact remains that you _always_ lust after the most dangerous guys you can find. You lusted after me when I was a bandit more than when I was a good guy! You really do have _terrible_ taste in men, and if you actually pursue a relationship with Vegeta, what do you _think_ will happen?"

"Nothing," said Bulma. "Vegeta may be a violent asshole, but he was never as sneaky as you!"

Then Bulma stormed back to the set, where Vegeta and Mr. Plate seemed to be closing down their fight.

"—he did to my planet, I _had_ to kill him!" finished Vegeta.

"That's beautiful!" shouted Mr. Plate. "Bulma defends her planet, and you avenge yours. Print that. I don't want to change a thing."

"Uhh… sir," said the cameraman, "shouldn't we at least cut out that part where you walk onto the set and get into a fight with the actors? Save it for the blooper reel?"

"Why the hell would I cut that?" shouted Mr. Plate. "Do you think that having a director appear in his own movie to break the fourth wall and speak with the actors is good enough for _Taste of Cherry_, but too good for _Frieza?_ You disgust me. You're _fired. _Okay, then. Bulma? Vegeta? We're shooting the final scene. Yamcha? You're taking over as the cameraman."

And you know what? I just didn't care enough to resist him. I really wanted to work that camera. I thought that maybe doing this would help me get over how mad I was at Bulma and myself.

"Oh, Vegeta!" said Bulma. "You're so brave!"

"And so are you," said Vegeta.

Then they began to kiss. Vegeta—not a great actor—had a vacant look on his face, as if he'd much rather be training, and Bulma began to cup his butt. I don't know if that was in the script or not because, quite honestly, that seemed to be below neither Bulma nor Mr. Plate.

But I wasn't concerned with that, either. I knew right there and then that she loved Vegeta more than she'd ever loved me. Not lust; love. The cameraman was still standing a few feet off set. He was a good-looking man, handsome and reasonably muscular. In all honesty, he's probably the only guy _I__'__ve_ ever fantasized about. Plus, he was eyeing up Bulma, and while this doesn't say a lot for his brains, it establishes that he would have been willing to do anything she wanted. And what was Bulma doing? Kissing Vegeta with her eyes closed. She didn't even notice the hot cameraman; it was as if she suddenly realized the power of monogamy.

I guess that I never loved Bulma, either, so I shouldn't complain. Still, losing to Vegeta at something like this—at what should have come down to personality or heart or something corny like that—hurt more than anything I had ever experienced. I know this sounds shallow and whiny, but I'm serious, not even getting my leg broken by Tenshinhan had hurt me as much as Bulma had here, simply by choosing Vegeta over me.

The filming was finished, and I flew off with an overwhelming urge to blow something up. Don't worry, I was referring to mountains.

But before I could disappear, I could hear a gruff voice calling out for me.

"My name isn't pathetic weakling," I said.

"You're worrying about your former mate, aren't you?" said Vegeta. "Well, there's no reason to. I won't let any harm come to her, much less kill her myself."

"Really?" I said emptily.

"Yeah, really!" responded Vegeta. "What do I have to gain from her death? Nothing at all. Her survival, however, does guarantee my progressive mating."

"So that's all Bulma is to you?" I said. "A sexual toy of some sort?"

"Of course," said Vegeta. "But that's still more than anyone else means to me."

Vegeta then turned back towards Bulma. She seemed happy, so I guess she didn't hear anything that Vegeta had said. Not even Bulma is _that_ easy.

And as I flew back to the desert, it occurred to me that I really shouldn't feel bad about what happened. Granted, I was never much of a feminist, but that wasn't why Bulma left me. It doesn't matter if I've ogled a few women. Sure, that one-night stand with Maron was pretty bad, and made me feel just a bit more like Slut Yamcha, but that didn't cause this break up, and my own chastity couldn't have prevented it. I still don't know how love works and I'm sure no one can figure out how Bulma's love works, but I do know that even if I had been a perfect gentleman—even if I had made Umigame look like Kamesenin—Bulma wouldn't have loved me, and she would have loved Vegeta.

There's still a bit left. Apparently, Vegeta doesn't play safely with his toys, if you know what I mean.

The result is that, about a year later, Bulma was in the hospital, giving birth to her son and screaming all sorts of curses at Vegeta and me, pretty much because I was there.

Needless to say, Mr. Super Saiyan was too busy training to attend his own son's birth.

I wasn't. Ask any of the doctors in Satan City—I was in that hospital that day. I still didn't love Bulma; I'm not even sure I liked her that much at the time. I didn't want her to bare my children, and I had given up any hope that I ever would. I didn't really want to provide any sort of emotional support, either, and I knew I wouldn't be allowed in the delivery room even if I did. I wasn't there for her at all. I was there for the boy—for the one she decided to name "Trunks," once he was born. I didn't want a son, and I didn't see Trunks as my son, but I owed him gratitude, seeing as he had come back in time to save us, and I was going to repay him. Yes, I knew that Trunks was the time-traveler. I knew that a purple-haired Saiyan was going to be born on this planet in the near future, and then Bulma got knocked up by a Saiyan. I'm not stupid.

But, as I was saying before, I was going to be there for our savior. In fact, I intended to be there for every milestone that a real dad could fill in for. I may not be stronger than Vegeta, and I may not be as good with the women, but I know I'll be a better dad to Trunks than Vegeta would ever be. Even Slut Yamcha could sure as hell outperform the nicest Vegeta we'd ever see in that area.

I heard a crying from inside the hospital room. A pretty young nurse stepped into the waiting room, and so that you don't think I'm trying to angst the story up to gain sympathy, I can tell you now that I would eventually enter a very long and satisfying relationship with this nurse. (Incidentally, she was also a survivor of planet Vegeta, but that's not worth getting into right now.)

"Sir?" she said. "Your son was just born."

"I'm not the father," I said. But she led me into the hospital room anyway.

"Where is Mrs. Briefs' husband, anyway?" she asked.

"Mr. Big Shot is too busy," I said. Then I looked at Bulma, sitting contently in the hospital bed, holding a purple-haired baby in her arms. She wasn't listening to me, but was busy ticking little Trunks. I hadn't seen her looking like that—happy and peaceful and not angry at me—since we went on our first date. That was probably the only time she had given me any reason to love her.

And as I stood there, looking at her, and remembering how wonderful it felt just to think I was in love, I realised that I could only answer the nurse's question one way without taking that feeling away from Bulma.

"He's busy working," I said, making sure to speak loudly so that Bulma would hear me. "He has to work very hard to take care of his family."

"So," said Bulma smugly, "you've finally figured out who's the better man between you and Vegeta, have you?"


End file.
